“I lie on a twin bed in a dim-lit room with my boyfriend. He is angry and silent. He looks out the window and says: “you just don’t love me”. I hate myself. I was told many years earlier that sex is my obligation to please the men. And now, I know I am failing as a women. But I cannot make love to this boy I love because of the excruciating pain. And in those moments when we actually managed, I hate the tears running down my face and the teeth biting my lips as I feel being torn apart inside. But I try to suffer through.
Oh, I try to “fix” my body, sitting on white tiles in my bathroom and trying to convince my body to accept the smallest tampons. But my body says no. And I feel more lonely and broken than ever before.”
75% of women experience pain with sexual activity at some point in their lives. For some women the issue can be addressed with adequate lubrication and more open communication with their partner. Other women suffer from an under-researched and under-reported medical condition called pelvic floor dysfunction, which can cause multiple of symptoms including: excruciating pain with sexual activity, OBGYN exams, using intimate health products such as tampons, but also problems with childbirth, urination and psychological and emotional stress, relationship issues (duh!) and even depression. This blog highlights my summer research project interviewing medical professionals and women suffering from pain with sex, with a support of the Harvard Kennedy School’s Women in Public Policy Program, and Our Bodies Our Selves, under a guidance of a wonderful Judy Norsigian.
Why does it feel no one else is suffering?
The healthcare and wellness sector does not respond adequately to the challenge. There is very limited information online and still very inadequate access to diagnostics and treatment in most places around the world (including the USA). Certified pelvic floor physical therapists are still rare in most of the regions of the USA and often non-existent internationally. Medical research is also lacking. The number of articles indexed in PubMed, a search engine for scientific literature, for dyspareunia is 3,694, and the number for erectile dysfunction, one type of sexual problem for men, is 19,796.” Experts agree that pelvic floor dysfunctions such as “vaginismus is another field of female sexual dysfunction that continues to be ignored by many medical schools, residency programs and is rarely discussed at medical meetings.” With that, women might be unable to find treatment for 20 years or more.
But You Are Not Alone.
The opening quote comes from a Harvard student and is just one of many we gathered while talking to women from all around the world experiencing sexual pain. Although most women experiencing painful sex feel alone, the problem is sadly common. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology 75% of women experience pain with sexual activity at some point in their lives. Chronic and persistent pain affects up to 22% of women. In fact, according to the NY Times: “pain with sex is up there in prevalence with migraine and low back pain, and yet it is woefully understudied and rarely discussed. Many women told us they don’t share their pain with anyone: with women, because they’re embarrassed and overwhelmed, with their partners in order to protect them. This further exacerbates the emotional and psychological stress. So if you, or any of the women you know suffer, remember, there is a sisterhood around you. For example, with a group of wonderful female leaders, we started monthly Women Sharing Circles – a safe space where women come together to discuss their sexuality. If you would like to start one of the chapters, let us know!
You Aren’t Your Pain.
“I am broken. To the core – that was my self-diagnosis. I didn’t even think it could be treatable. And when I asked for help, my OBGYN told me I am making things up and need a psychologist.”
The first step in the healing journey is to accept that the pain is not something women must learn to “tolerate.” Most causes of pain during sex can be reduced or resolved completely, so it's definitely worth doing something about it.
There are Things You Can Do!
“I was lucky. In 2015 I moved to NYC where I got diagnosed with vaginismus. After 6 months of physical therapy, at the age of 28, I was treated. Oh, that’s what the movies are all about – I though after my first pain-free intercourse. 😊 ”
Many root causes of pain with sex, including medical conditions such as vaginismus, are one of the most easily treated sexual dysfunctions. Depending on the root cause and severity of the pain, it may be addressed by measures such as adequate use of lubrication, better understanding of the sexual arousal process, more open communication with a partner, and/or simple relaxation home-based exercises or pelvic floor physical therapy. There are a few good places to begin educating yourself - the OBOS website includes articles on Pain During Intercourse or Penetration and Vulvodynia, a great blog about pain and discomfort during sex at Confi, or a series of free videos from practitioners from the Pelvic Health Summit. Many therapists suggest self-help protocols with low-risk and easy relaxation and stretching exercises. We will be building a compendium of those as we move forward in our research.Sign up here to get updates on our content.
Many women suffering from pain with sex, caused by a condition such as vaginismus, can get substantial relief from pelvic floor physical therapy. (See this article by a SF-based physical therapist, Rachel Gelman). Certified physical therapists who have had considerable success in helping women with pain during sex exist, but sadly, are still are not widely available, and absent in many countries. A comprehensive list of certified pelvic floor physical therapists does not seem to exist, but the Section on Women’s Health of the American Physical Therapy Association does offer some resources.
Share Your Story!
If you, or any of your female friends are suffering from pelvic pain or have treated their pain, we would love to talk to you!We are searching for women pre- or post-treatment and medical professionals (physical therapists, obgyns etc). Read more about our research here. Please sign up here and help us help other women like us.
Thanks & talk to you soon!
Marta
Disclaimers
Male Pelvic Pain is another massively under-researched and under-diagnosed medical condition. Some clinics we work with mentioned 40% of their patients are male. Although we start working with women, we want to acknowledge that this is a problem touching us all, across genders.
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The content in this post and in the links are for educational purposes only. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
