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Step 4. Get your partner on board

The 8 Easy Steps are self-help tricks crowd-sourced from dozens of women, medical practitioners, therapists, and sexual health doctors we interviewed. They are not meant to be a medical advice, but they helped dozens of women to connect to their body. Let us know how it went for you!

We know, it may be intimidating or anxiety provoking to tell your partner you are in pain. But if you have a stable sexual partner, it is essential you bring him onboard. Women we interviewed who’ve had support of their partners were substantially more successful in healing their condition. It is, at the end, a condition that affects a couple. In fact, we heard from women that partners who were brought onboard felt more accepted (understanding women do not reject them) and empowered (now they could help find a solution).

  1. Educate him. He might have never heard about pain with sex and pelvic floor conditions. Explain to him how common the condition is. Some women find it helpful to show their partner an online resource. You can direct him to our section “For Partners” as a start. Other resources worth sharing although not specifically focused on partners include the following websites and books: (links to be defined)
    1. Yoni.io section For Partners
    2. Sexual Partners Support, Pain Down There  – FAQ designed specifically for partners
    3. Sex Hurts, Help! NY Times – A mainstream article showing how common the problem is 
    4. Healing Pelvic Pain, Amy Stein – Book on Pelvic Pain. It may be helpful mostly to you!
    5. Completely Overcome Vaginismus – Book on Vaginismus. It may be helpful to you as well. 
  2. Ask for emotional support. It is important that your partner feels he is part of your team. Without a proper conversation he may feel you are rejecting him or turn into self-doubt. He also may simply feel overwhelmed by your pain and powerless in solving the problem. Tell him you need his help. And patience. You may need to try different positions, or speed, or condoms. Some therapies – such as physical therapy – can include your partner in a wonderfully empowering way. For a start, if you want, you can also give him small tasks to complete while you try some of our adjustments, such as ordering a lube. He may feel he is part of the solution.
  3. Use lube. Yes, I know we mentioned that before. But seriously, use lube. New research on female sexuality has shown that women’s’ bodies often do not create appropriate lubrication even if women are aroused. And this is perfectly normal. We can be “wet” and nor aroused. We also can be aroused and not “wet’. (Read more about it in the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagorski). And use lube.

Now it is important to know how to choose a lube. It is important the lube you use has organic ingredients with as little additives and chemicals as possible. Two brands we like include: Slippery Stuff(used by certified physical therapists), and Probeboth are designed to mimic natural body lubrication. It is also important to use good condoms. The same rule applies: go for the least colorful, shinny, out-there condoms! We like Skyn. Always check whether the lube you use can be use with your condom! 

  1. Ask for adjustments. There are some simple things you may try that could help, such as using a lube and putting a pillow under your hips at the time of entry during penetration. For the pain with entry, many women found that breathing in and asking your partner to enter slowly on your outbreath can be very helpful. Some couples speak highly of Ohnut , which helps especially with the pain with deep penetration. We are collecting Tips and Tricks for the couple’s time with such adjustments. Sign up here to be the first one to know about them.

But most importantly, ask for adjustments. Be honest. Do not go on when it hurts pretending that everything is fine. This will make things worse as your body will need more time to learn it can trust and be safe in a sexual context. Ask your partner to be creative together. Try things out. Treat it as a game and exploration.

  1. Reframe intimacy. Sexual connection means a lot of things and there are wonderful ways to connect with your partner beyond (and/or before) the intercourse. These can increase a connection between you two and teach your muscles to relax and trust, which will help if you are suffering from a muscle issue. We are collecting Tips and Tricks for the couple’s time with such intimacy games and adjustments. Sign up here to be the first one to know about them! Although, we understand this may not fit into your belief systems, some women reported incredible results with neo-tantra techniques. If you were up for it, we strongly suggest choosing a safe school and great teachers. The weekend-long beginners seminars with Source School of Tantra Yoga is a good place to start. (This is not a course on pain. But it is an incredible course on how to find a deeper connection and intimacy with your partner).
  1. Include him in your therapy. If you end up doing physical therapy, we would strongly suggest including your partner in the treatment. A good physical therapist will be able to show your partner some techniques that can increase your trust (even on a muscular level!) and substantially speed up the therapy. Some treatments will also require adjustments in your sexual activities. Your partner can be your most important support if you include him early on!